Saturday, March 19, 2011

Things in Life

There are so many thing in life I love to do, especially when it comes to creating.  I seem to be

all over the map unlike my travelings.

"I am inspired in so many ways by many things"

There isn't a day that goes by where inspirations doesn't grab me.  This, for me personally, is a blessing in so many ways.

It keeps me learning and challenges me, it's a part of who I am, and that keeps me balanced and grounded.  Learning for me is like receiving a daily surprise not knowing what it will be is a huge part of my love for life.  The learning is my challenge which is even better.

Not a day goes by I don't thank the Universe for blessing me with the ability to understand my talent and my twins for showing me the incredible view.  Without them I would not have seen the world so clearly, since them I have walked a life I could have never imagined. 

 I know we all say that when we look back... we all have our own challenges life brings, the good and the bad...yet what's important is they are unique for us and often similar with others.
Since the twins it has been the best, not only because I became a mother, but a mother, to twins with handicaps that would have come with or without the early birthing.

Like those challenges theirs was not the easiest to handle... nor one when I found out ... didn't have me screaming and crying trying to figure out what happened or how to change it.  There was not a day for many months that I didn't find myself running to the NICU... searching for a way to find a mistake they may have made, and not a day getting up blaming myself for what went wrong.

My desire for months on end and my actions were the same, at night before bedtime there was not a moment before they fell asleep I didn't apologize...uttering softly I am so very sorry.

The guilt turned  in to depression and the I'm sorry's keep going as they got bigger.  I still see the images photographed by my eyes, embedded in my mind to play at times when something comes along to dust them off, a sound, a scent, a song, like a needle on a record slowly touching down to play the song, there they are sitting next to me, one under my left arm, the other under the right...tightly against my body as if permanently attached, there tiny heads both looking up at the same time, our eyes meet and I softly say "I am so sorry." then I kiss there foreheads as they fall asleep.

Then one night when those little blue eyes looked up in all there delight, I finally understood, oh believe me when I say, it took many, many, many, months later,but through those eyes I finally got what they were trying to say. It was exactly like those moments when a light bulb comes on and you just know! It's right.

They taught me to step outside myself to see that it wasn't about me at all. All the I'm sorry's I had uttered in those precious moments, I now could see were all about me, how I felt, not at all about what they had and would continue to endure. It was a moment to take in a breathe so deep in to my lungs it touched my heart...for the first time I had actually looked in their eyes and what I say was the most incredible thing I had ever seen in my life, them.

With every waking moment as I kept looking through their eyes, I saw and learned to see my talent, life, the world around me. To listen as if I were hearing for the first time, to see as if I was once blind. Through those eyes I was actually born in to and understood this thing called life...and that didn't come without changing everything.
To be continued.....

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