The day the boy's were born I had no idea life was about to take me on another ride and change my life forever, or so I thought, but forever and happliy ever after doesn't always happen.
I couldn't count the number of times I would think bad things couldn't ever happen to me. After all our family was somewhat lucky there weren't a lot of things that went wrong. Like those who loose loved ones in an accident or in a blink of eye something happens internally and there gone. Like most I thought I was immortal.... nothing so terrible could happen to me or anyone around me. I just somehow knew they would be there everyday, every single day!
How can we all be so smart in so many ways, and yet so stupid at the same time, to think life couldn't end for anyone, at any moment or for that at any age.
At times when I browse through my own life's memories, the ones in photographs, the touchable ones a parent brings out when you walk in and sit down with a guy you've been seeing for awhile. Oh, how one sits there in those moments and thinks please don't bring out any more!
I look at that little girl and think she has no idea what is coming her way in this life. Two family molestations, one by 6 years old the other at 16 which continues for quite sometime and finally a date rape at 18 by two guys. One her boyfriend or so she thought, the other his friend. But that in it's self is another story.
That little girl looking so delightful above has come along way, obviously. Despite the things I just described nothing could have hit her harder in life then the storm that was waiting all those years to twist that little mind so tightly, leaving only one option. Jump the entire ship!
Oh yeah, dealing with my little life's crisis, or anything you want to call them was so much easier. They were mine, even if inflicted by another they were my own personal demons to exit out, first battling them, coming to terms with them, and moving on..... yes, so much easier.
Life seems to have a way of forcing our hand as we age making us deal with everything that happened in the past, although the seeds were planted long ago, we often choose to bury them most are too painful to recall, yet somehow in our forties they begin to sprout there little heads. And that's when it all begins to change.
Only this change was taking place for someone else, it certainly was nothing from my past, it was a train wreck that was happening right there during the internal growth of those two helpless little boy's.
Being a mother gives one certain instincts and sometimes life gives us a visual warning, it's whether or not your really paying attention. I mean really paying attention to everything that happens to you, and around you, throughout your day. It all happens for a reason a lesson I was about to learn, my very first real lesson, and one of my most valuable in this life, from the birth of two preemie baby boy's....until the next post have a great day!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
There are so many thing in life I love to do, especially when it comes to creating. I seem to be
all over the map unlike my travelings.
"I am inspired in so many ways by many things"
There isn't a day that goes by where inspirations doesn't grab me. This, for me personally, is a blessing in so many ways.
It keeps me learning and challenges me, it's a part of who I am, and that keeps me balanced and grounded. Learning for me is like receiving a daily surprise not knowing what it will be is a huge part of my love for life. The learning is my challenge which is even better.
Not a day goes by I don't thank the Universe for blessing me with the ability to understand my talent and my twins for showing me the incredible view. Without them I would not have seen the world so clearly, since them I have walked a life I could have never imagined.
I know we all say that when we look back... we all have our own challenges life brings, the good and the bad...yet what's important is they are unique for us and often similar with others.
Since the twins it has been the best, not only because I became a mother, but a mother, to twins with handicaps that would have come with or without the early birthing.
Like those challenges theirs was not the easiest to handle... nor one when I found out ... didn't have me screaming and crying trying to figure out what happened or how to change it. There was not a day for many months that I didn't find myself running to the NICU... searching for a way to find a mistake they may have made, and not a day getting up blaming myself for what went wrong.
My desire for months on end and my actions were the same, at night before bedtime there was not a moment before they fell asleep I didn't apologize...uttering softly I am so very sorry.
The guilt turned in to depression and the I'm sorry's keep going as they got bigger. I still see the images photographed by my eyes, embedded in my mind to play at times when something comes along to dust them off, a sound, a scent, a song, like a needle on a record slowly touching down to play the song, there they are sitting next to me, one under my left arm, the other under the right...tightly against my body as if permanently attached, there tiny heads both looking up at the same time, our eyes meet and I softly say "I am so sorry." then I kiss there foreheads as they fall asleep.
Then one night when those little blue eyes looked up in all there delight, I finally understood, oh believe me when I say, it took many, many, many, months later,but through those eyes I finally got what they were trying to say. It was exactly like those moments when a light bulb comes on and you just know! It's right.
They taught me to step outside myself to see that it wasn't about me at all. All the I'm sorry's I had uttered in those precious moments, I now could see were all about me, how I felt, not at all about what they had and would continue to endure. It was a moment to take in a breathe so deep in to my lungs it touched my heart...for the first time I had actually looked in their eyes and what I say was the most incredible thing I had ever seen in my life, them.
With every waking moment as I kept looking through their eyes, I saw and learned to see my talent, life, the world around me. To listen as if I were hearing for the first time, to see as if I was once blind. Through those eyes I was actually born in to and understood this thing called life...and that didn't come without changing everything.
To be continued.....
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday I recieved my first round of Sidar Snuggly dk Yarn and I am loving it! Ohmygoodness, it is incredibly soft.
I am also waiting for another order of Sublime Baby Cotton Kapok dk yarn. Kapok is a clever hollow fiber with a natural, thermo-regulating feature-- perfect for keeping wee ones cool in summer and warm in the winter.
Here is one of the hats where I am using the Kitchener stitch to bind off the top.
Isn't it just so sweet?
The color is such a wonderful blue for a tiny boy. Finish sizes are 10" to 12" in circumference.
Currently I am working on this lovely soft pink, next comes the pom-poms one on both corners of the hats.
There is also a beautiful soft sage green with this I plan on knitting the word preemie in soft pink or white.
All will be available in my Etsy Shop when completed.
Have a wonderful day, Dani
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Loving preemies started for me when I had my own, not one, but two. Yes, a set of twins coming in at just a few ounces over 2 lbs. I had never seen or even thought about a human baby being so tiny.
Here they are at about 14 days old, they decided to put them in the same little home. The nurses found twin preemies often do better when nested together.
The sounds in the neo-natal were everywhere, babies sounding like a tiny toy mouse squeaking, alarms going off when a little one needed attention. The smallest little babies I had ever seen fighting for every moment and every parent feeling the worst, so helpless, unable to do what is natural, protect there child.
I look at this sometimes and can't believe or even wrap my mind around the size of there feet being no bigger than my thumb.
I admire the people who chose to do this job, I can't imagine the pain they feel with every loss. I did see the smiles when babies did a step down in to the next room, preparing to gain enough weight to go home. You could see the joy in every ones face.
Going home without your baby is not an easy task nor one that makes any sense to the mother. This is something so hard to imagine and even harder to do.
I knew my two were coming home when they made it in to the step down unit beginning to gain more and more weight. This too is were they teach a parent to care for this tiny human. They explained that when they rounded out at a little over 4 lbs we could prepare to take them home. Being winter I had no idea were to find anything small enough or for that warm enough to keep them out harms way.
So I went home bought some yarn and began to crochet. Both had there own little cozy one was white, the other was cream. I still have them to this day stored with all there other neo-natal treasured items.
God Bless all the little ones who are currently fighting for every moment and the ones who may enter the
neo-natal center. Our prayers are with you and your new one.
I am currently knitting preemie jester hats made using Sidar Snuggly Dk Yarn
in colors, blue, pink, and soft green. This yarn is so soft against the skin it's amazing.
Some personalized with babies name knitted in to the hat.
Be sure to follow my blog I will post how they are coming along. Thank you for visiting, Dani