Things in Life - Part Two

The day the boy's were born I had no idea life was about to take me on another ride and change my life forever, or so I thought, but forever and happliy ever after doesn't always happen.

 I couldn't count the number of times I would think bad things couldn't ever happen to me. After all our family was somewhat lucky there weren't a lot of things that went wrong.  Like those who loose loved ones in an accident or in a blink of eye something happens internally and there gone.  Like most I thought I was immortal.... nothing so terrible could happen to me or anyone around me. I just somehow knew they would be there everyday, every single day!

How can we all be so smart in so many ways, and yet so stupid at the same time, to think life couldn't end for anyone, at any moment or for that at any age.

At times when I browse through my own life's memories, the ones in photographs, the touchable ones a parent brings out when you walk in and sit down with a guy you've been seeing for awhile.  Oh, how one sits there in those moments and thinks please don't bring out any more!

I look at that little girl and think she has no idea what is coming her way in this life. Two family molestations, one by 6 years old the other at 16 which continues for quite sometime and finally a date rape at 18 by two guys. One her boyfriend or so she thought, the other his friend.  But that in it's self is another story.

That little girl looking so delightful above has come along way, obviously.  Despite the things I just described nothing could have hit her harder in life then the storm that was waiting all those years to twist that little mind so tightly, leaving only one option.  Jump the entire ship!

Oh yeah, dealing with my little life's crisis, or anything you want to call them was so much easier. They were mine, even if inflicted by another they were my own personal demons to exit out, first battling them, coming to terms with them, and moving on..... yes, so much easier. 

Life seems to have a way of forcing our hand as we age making us deal with everything that happened in the past, although the seeds were planted long ago, we often choose to bury them most are too painful to recall, yet somehow in our forties they begin to sprout there little heads.  And that's when it all begins to change. 

Only this change was taking place for someone else, it certainly was nothing from my past, it was a train wreck that was happening right there during the internal growth of those two helpless little boy's. 

Being a mother gives one certain instincts and sometimes life gives us a visual warning, it's whether or not your really paying attention. I mean really paying attention to everything that happens to you, and around you, throughout your day. It all happens for a reason a lesson I was about to learn, my very first real lesson, and one of my most valuable in this life, from the birth of two preemie baby boy's....until the next post have a great day!

Things in Life

There are so many thing in life I love to do, especially when it comes to creating.  I seem to be

all over the map unlike my travelings.

"I am inspired in so many ways by many things"

There isn't a day that goes by where inspirations doesn't grab me.  This, for me personally, is a blessing in so many ways.

It keeps me learning and challenges me, it's a part of who I am, and that keeps me balanced and grounded.  Learning for me is like receiving a daily surprise not knowing what it will be is a huge part of my love for life.  The learning is my challenge which is even better.

Not a day goes by I don't thank the Universe for blessing me with the ability to understand my talent and my twins for showing me the incredible view.  Without them I would not have seen the world so clearly, since them I have walked a life I could have never imagined. 

 I know we all say that when we look back... we all have our own challenges life brings, the good and the bad...yet what's important is they are unique for us and often similar with others.

Since the twins it has been the best, not only because I became a mother, but a mother, to twins with handicaps that would have come with or without the early birthing.

Like those challenges theirs was not the easiest to handle... nor one when I found out ... didn't have me screaming and crying trying to figure out what happened or how to change it.  There was not a day for many months that I didn't find myself running to the NICU... searching for a way to find a mistake they may have made, and not a day getting up blaming myself for what went wrong.

My desire for months on end and my actions were the same, at night before bedtime there was not a moment before they fell asleep I didn't apologize...uttering softly I am so very sorry.

The guilt turned  in to depression and the I'm sorry's keep going as they got bigger.  I still see the images photographed by my eyes, embedded in my mind to play at times when something comes along to dust them off, a sound, a scent, a song, like a needle on a record slowly touching down to play the song, there they are sitting next to me, one under my left arm, the other under the right...tightly against my body as if permanently attached, there tiny heads both looking up at the same time, our eyes meet and I softly say "I am so sorry." then I kiss there foreheads as they fall asleep.

Then one night when those little blue eyes looked up in all there delight, I finally understood, oh believe me when I say, it took many, many, many, months later,but through those eyes I finally got what they were trying to say. It was exactly like those moments when a light bulb comes on and you just know! It's right.

They taught me to step outside myself to see that it wasn't about me at all. All the I'm sorry's I had uttered in those precious moments, I now could see were all about me, how I felt, not at all about what they had and would continue to endure. It was a moment to take in a breathe so deep in to my lungs it touched my heart...for the first time I had actually looked in their eyes and what I say was the most incredible thing I had ever seen in my life, them.

With every waking moment as I kept looking through their eyes, I saw and learned to see my talent, life, the world around me. To listen as if I were hearing for the first time, to see as if I was once blind. Through those eyes I was actually born in to and understood this thing called life...and that didn't come without changing everything.

To be continued.....